Darren JUNIOUR-LOGAN Marsh

Darren-Junior Logan Marsh was a very very special little boy, as right from the moment i knew i was carrying him, it was like stepping on glass, as after giving birth to our daughter, i caught almost straight away, "also to a little boy, which was my final dream of completing my family",
To which ended in a sad sad tragedy, we were told our unborn child had fluid on the brain, and had very little chance of surviving, which may have also lead to further problems, involving me, I was only 19wks plus 4days into the pregnancy, and had no choice but to give birth to him, just to say goodbye, it was one of the saddest days of my life, he lived just 2hrs and 52mins, before his tiny body was to tired to carry on, his funeral was lovely, yet so sad, but at least i knew, he couldn't hurt anymore and he was safe.
He could never be replaced, and there is not a day that goes by that he isn't with me, he would have been three today, GOD BLESS HIM.
Which as you can see deep within the smiles and sh-ere excitement, of carrying another baby boy, lay nerves, worry, and most of all, fear of losing another child.
The pregnancy went fine,
my family were so happy, As they knew just how strong my feelings were
to be able to love and to cherish a baby boy, my eldest daughter, who's now 7 on the ninth of this month, was so excited, she longed for a baby brother just as i longed for a son.
But happiness again was short lived, as my partner was killed in a car accident, when i was just 20wks pregnant, why was this happening to me, "MY DARREN, CAN'T BE GONE", my whole world had fallen apart, and there was absolutely nothing i could do,
Darren was the person i dreamt of spending the rest of my life with, we'd been together nearly five years, we had a daughter together, i was carrying his unborn child, we'd come through so much, how could i face the world alone, It wasn't meant to be this way.
But thats what kind of a place we live in, everything's so unfair.
Now i had to keep thriving for my girls, and the little life inside of me, and if it wasn't for my children, i honestly can't tell you which way life may of taken me.
My due date was creeping up on me, and through all the stress, heartache and worry, you would of thought if anything was going to happen it would have happened due to all of those things.
Baby Darren wasn't due until the middle of March, but my pregnancies had a tendency of being early, people said Darren would send him me for valentines day, and not so quite but only by a day DJ entered this world on the 13th of feb,
He was just absoulutley amazing, the most beautifulest, healthiest little boy anyone could have wished for, i had to pinch myself to convince me that, YES you were holding your baby boy, and YES he was perfect, We had hundreds of visitors, and i specifically asked for a side room, as the pain was to hard to face, watching daddy's cradling there newborn baby,
we were kept in for a few days, so the nurses could keep an eye on him, and that time i guess, was my time to have him all to myself, i couldn't stop staring at his gorgeous little body, "Wishing his DADDY was here to share those most precious moments together.
Back at home, i can't think of a baby showered with as much love, everyone had to give, as to how much was given to him,
Didn't have favourites, as all my children meant exactly the same, But he was a special little boy, and he was my special little solider, because not only had i came through the pain and heartbreak, but he'd felt it just as much as i had.
Never did i get tired of sleepless nights, or a baby's cry, i just felt thankful to have my son with me, as the weeks passed, he grew stronger, and he looked so much like his daddy it was unbelievable, he made my life feel a bit easier, every morning I'd wake, each day beginning to feel a little stronger,
he must of been about 8 or 9wks old when i noticed something just want right, he had developed a cough, and seemed a little distressed when trying to breathe, so i did no more than take him up to accident and emergency, there was no way on this earth i was going to take any chances,
At the hospital they didnt seem that interested, looked at me as being an over reactive paranoid young mum, but in all fairness me more than most mothers had already experienced enough, and was in no hurry to let anything happen to my son within my power.
I was told to go home, they said he appeared to be fine, he did have a cough, but nothing that wouldn't sort itself out naturally, i wasn't 100% happy with their conclusion, but after all they were supposed to be the professionals, surely if they detected something they thought was seriously wrong then they wouldn't of allowed him home, they did deal with a lot more worst cases than this, or at least that's what i thought.
At home, i couldn't sleep that night worried something would happen.
A few days passed and he did appear to be getting better, his cough didnt sound as bad, and his breathing had improved quite a lot, but still i kept an eye on him just like any mother would, even if they hadn't gone through what i had,
But again another day or two passed and i still wasn't totally convinced that he was 100% well, So this time with it being within surgery hours, i made an appointment, where he was diagnosed with "ACUTE BRONCHILITIS", "UNDERLINED, ACUTE" and given an inhaler, although i wanted to scream and shout, and show those so called doctors at the hospital, that i didn't think they'd done there job properly, i was happy that my doctor had sensed something was wrong and treated him in the way he thought was appropriate.
Well at least that's what i had thought yet it turned out neither the surgery nor hospital could explain the tragedy what happened next,
i gave him his inhaler as directed, followed my every day routine as normal, This was on the Wednesday, which was the 3rd of may, not having any clue as to what tragic event awaited me, on the Thursday 4th may, again followed my daily routine, gave "DARREN-JUNIOR", his inhaler and settled down for the night,

That night i must have been really exhausted, so i had DJ'S bottle ready in case he woken up, and must have fallen to sleep on the settee, with Baby Darren sleeping beside me in his moses basket.
Something strange had woke me, i remember it as clear as day, it wasn't a noise or anything in particular,
Baby Darren hadn't cried, as i got up and peered into the moses basket, that is when a women's world shatters into a million pieces, and no matter how many times you try to piece them back together, nobody in the whole entire world could, would, or will ever be able to do it.
His tiny face was white, my instant reaction was to pick him up and check if he's breathing, I prayed and prayed he was just cold, or for someone to just shake me and I'd wake up out of a horrifying dream,
I had him in my arms, and his tiny body was lifeless, i blew in his face, just as you would if your child's crying, to catch their breath,
there was nothing, as coward as i might sound, and although i had my girl's to live for, i just couldn't see life ahead of me, i wanted to end all this pain.
I instantly dialled 999, they instructed me to try to resuscitate him, but no matter how hard i tried, my perfect baby boy, lay motionless, and i couldn't do anything to help him, the paramedics were with me in seconds, they whisked DJ of into one Ambulance, while i was took in another, Darren's auntie had stayed at my neighbours that night, so my girls were safe at home,
Everything was like a blur, nothing wanted to sink in, apart from, "PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, save my baby boy, they had to, my life had became so much lighter, and he'd given me that extra strength to want to do anything,
Family began arriving, i was speechless, there was no point in talking to me, LIFE JUST DIDN'T MAKE SENSE".
Their were doctors and nurses everywhere, the same words kept repeating themselves, "IS HE BREATHING, IS HE BREATHING, was all I'd ask each time a doctor or nurse passed me",
It seemed like hours, as i sat in this tiny little room, i couldn't stop crying, i just wanted my baby, MY LITTLE ANGEL,
A face appeared, and he didn't have to say a word, I'd seen that face before, and never had i ever wanted to again, "I'm so SORRY, thats all that had to be said, my baby's little stay in life had been confirmed, i wanted to hurt someone in the exact way i was hurting, but i knew deep within my heart, that wasn't what i really wanted to do, i NEVER want even my worst enemy to hurt the way i do.
At home i was in for even more of a shock, my house was interrogated with police, i had to be escorted in my own home, Didn't they have any feelings, id just lost one of the most precious things life could give you, and my house was being treated like a crime scene, as you can imagine the words that came out of my mouth weren't at all pleasant,
My dad took me to his house, which is where i stayed for the following two weeks, i later learnt that as my precious angels short life had passed away, due to them ruling the cause to be cot death, it was a procedure that had to be followed, but still it seemed so heartless and disrespectful.
A week on, and i felt ten times worse, the feeling of knowing I'm never going to be able to hold my baby again, never experiencing any of those cherished moments baby's bring to you, was excruciating,
I rang Birmingham for the results, where i was told nothing was found, and the reason behind this so incredibly upsetting tragedy was due to natural causes, it didn't add up, especially with me trying to receive medical treatment only a few weeks before.
I mentioned on the phone, that there had to be a reason, with him being diagnosed with Bronchiolitis just days prior this, but still it was insisted it was down to "S.I.D.S",
The following week his funeral was allowed to take place, i wanted the best for him, just as he'd have had if he'd continued in life, and as sad as the day could have been, sure enough to my word, his funeral was beautiful, he had drawn horse and carriage, enough flowers to keep a county's florist going for a year, plus the most important thing of all, he had his loved ones with him just as he always would have.
Life wasn't the same without him, i struggled to carry on, but i had to. My PRINCESESS, DEVOTED ON ME, DEPENDED ON ME, it wasn't my time to give up, Trying to move on almost seemed impossible, nothing was finalised until the inquest was over,
A couple of months passed, or maybe a little more, when i had a phone call "UNEXPECTED, AT THAT ", my health visitor had spoken with my dads wife and had asked if she could take me to the surgery, regarding some results that hadn't yet been established, But we know the results, "OR DID WE", nothing could have prepared me for what i had just been told,
In front of him, the doctor had a couple of pieces of paper, and on them it read, " CAUSE OF DEATH, BRONCHILITIS, EARLY PHNEMONIA, i couldn't hold the tears back, my son would still be here now, if doctors had of taken more time, and examined him properly, Anger was bursting inside me, but what could i do, nothing was ever going to bring him home,
So it just goes to show, a mothers instinct is a lot stronger than a doctor reading out of a book, on two occasions my solider could have been helped and would now be enjoying Christmas with his family, and soon be reaching those dreaded terrible two's, "WHAT ID GIVE, OR DO, TO TURN BACK HANDS OF TIME",
All i have left to say, is if you ever suspect something isn't right, follow a mothers instinct, It hurts so much to think, they could have saved him, yet underneath my own eyes he was becoming more and more poorly, and it's all down to one simple thing and that goes 100% without questioning, "NEGLEGENCE, FROM BOTH THE NHS, AND DOCTORS SURGERY, AND IF I WAS EITHER ONE OF THOSE DOCTORS THAT DEALT WITH MY SON, I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SLEEP AT NITE KNOWING, I COULD HAVE SAVED A LIFE, PURE NEGLECT.
God Bless my little solider, rest safely in your daddy's arms, and beside your big brother, and mummy will take care of us girls, we miss you so much BABY DARREN-J, sleep tight honey, and if mummy could send the LOVE she holds in that special place of hers, heaven wouldn't have room to put it. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX